


You've Made It Through The Storm This Far

by waveryder



Category: DC's Legends of Tomorrow (TV)
Genre: ColdAtom Week, ColdAtom Week 2017, Gen or Pre-Slash, Leonard rejects your gender rolls, M/M, Platonic Cuddling, Trans Character, Trans Male Character, Trans Ray Palmer, and is a Good Friend
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-06-01
Updated: 2017-06-01
Packaged: 2018-11-07 00:46:54
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,301
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11047791
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/waveryder/pseuds/waveryder
Summary: He feels disgusting and wrong. The body he has worked so hard for, put so much time, effort, emotion into now feels foreign and constricting. It feels like a prison. He can feel his skin crawl and the bathroom is suddenly too small and cramped.





	You've Made It Through The Storm This Far

**Author's Note:**

> Coldatom Week Day 4: Free Day
> 
> \----
> 
> So, this is definitely not what I planned on posting for free day. I just wrote this a couple days ago, in an hour. Honestly, I've been struggling with myself, debating if I should post this at all. It's something extremely personal, something I just self projected into, really. I've had a rough couple of days, and this was the product. I just needed some release. This was very cathartic.
> 
> Anyway, I hope this is at least a little enjoyable.

“No, no, no, no, no,” Ray says, the words rushing out of him in a panic.

 

He gets out of the shower - well, runs, like a bat out of hell - almost tripping over his discarded dirty clothes. He rushes to his bedroom, searching, hoping he finds the box. When he does, he cracks it open, revealing a vial. It’s empty. Not that it would help now, though.

 

Then he remembers that he’s standing naked in the middle of his room, and he runs back into the bathroom. He picks up his discarded clothes, picking out his underwear, and tossing the rest aside. He’s vaguely aware that he’s shaking and he pulls them on, only tugging them up halfway before he’s sitting himself on the toilet.

 

Ray drops his head in his hands, and he can feel a stinging behind his closed eyes.

 

How did this happen? What did he do wrong?

 

He can’t think straight right now. He’s too busy juggling the tightness in his chest, and the nausea rolling around in his stomach.

 

He can’t _do anything_ about it. Ray lives in an all boys dorm, and he doubts anyone here would have what he needs. The tight feeling in his chest doesn’t get better, as he thinks about what is going on with his body. He feels disgusting and wrong. The body he has worked so hard for, put so much time, effort, emotion into now feels foreign and constricting. It feels like a prison. He can feel his skin crawl and the bathroom is suddenly too small and cramped.

 

Ray tries to backtrack, thinking about the last time he had his shot. He can’t remember. He checks the label on the bottle, checking the last refill date. Too long. It’s been too long since his last shot.

 

He’s suddenly aware that he’s shaking, his eyes well up, and panic settles in his chest. It feels like a fog rolling in, wrapping itself around his head, making everything blurry and disorienting. There’s a pain that rivals any physical harm, and it cuts through Ray like jagged glass, leaving shards in its wake.

 

He hears something, and he realizes it’s him, a sob tearing right through his body. He lets out another, and soon he’s a mess in his bathroom, sitting on his toilet, desperately willing his body to _just stop_.

 

Lost in his own tears and misery, Ray doesn’t hear Leonard enter the dorm, even though he’s announcing his presence rather loudly.

 

“Raymond,” Leonard calls. “Amaya came over and Sara kicked me out of her apartment. I know you wanted be alone to study, so I’ll just hang out in my room.”

 

Ray’s head snaps up, and he quickly grabs his bathroom door, slamming it shut.

 

Leonard hears the noise and walks into the hall.

 

“Hey, you in here?” he asks. “The door was open, so you’ve got to be in here.”

 

“I’m in here, just getting out of the shower,” Ray calls, his voice cracking noticeably.

 

Leonard eyes the bathroom door before walking up to it slowly.

 

“You okay?” Leonard asks, sticking his hands in his pockets.

 

Ray takes a deep breath, stuttering so much that he almost chokes on it.

 

“Yeah, I’m - I’m fine,” Ray lies. He shuts his eyes, hoping Leonard will leave him alone.

 

No dice.

 

“Raymond, we’ve been dorm buddies for two years now,” Leonard says, “You’re a terrible liar, and I know when something is wrong.”

 

Leonard doesn’t get an answer, Ray keeping his cries quiet on the other side of the door.

 

“Okay, I’m not going to force you to talk about it,” Leonard sighs. “But I’m here if you _do_ want to talk about it.”

 

Ray can hear Leonard start to walk away, and he curses himself for ultimately needing some form of human contact, even if he feels absolutely repulsive.

 

“Wait,” Ray calls out.

 

He gets up off the toilet, pulls his briefs up, and puts on his dirty clothes. It doesn’t matter, he feels as soiled as them anyway. He cracks open the door and sees Leonard standing there, leaning against the wall. Leonard looks at him, his face falling when he notices Ray’s red eyes and splotchy cheeks.

 

“Raymond, what happened?” Leonard asks carefully.

 

Ray just stands there, mouth opening and closing, trying desperately to find his voice. He can’t. He can’t even console himself, or bring himself to utter the words that place him in this situation. So, he starts hyperventilating, and Leonard immediately crosses the short distance between them.

 

“Hey, hey,” he says, trying to put his hands on Ray’s arms, but Ray jerks back without thinking. “Okay, okay, I’m not gonna touch you.” Leonard raises his hands in surrender.

 

Leonard can see the man shaking before him, can see a fresh wave of tears fill Ray’s eyes.

 

“What can I do to help, Raymond?” Leonard asks, keeping his distance.

 

Ray just shakes his head, not trusting himself enough to speak. If he opens his mouth he’ll either end up sobbing or throwing up. Ray wraps his arms around himself and pushes pass Leonard, walking into his room. He sits himself down on his bed, but as soon as he makes contact with the mattress, he lets out a whine. He shouldn’t have done that. Standing wasn’t any better, but at least he could squeeze his legs together.

 

“I -” Ray tries, but he breaks off into a choked cry. He’s frustrated and angry, and just wants his body to work properly, how it’s supposed to. This is wrong, _so wrong_.

 

Leonard follows Ray and tries again, walking towards him, like he’s a scared animal. Leonard kneels down in front of him, and reaches a hand out.

 

“Can I touch you?” he asks.

 

“Please,” Ray says, pitifully, needing some form of touch to ground him.

 

Leonard places his hand on Ray’s knee, rubbing his thumb over Ray’s sleep pants.

 

“What’s going on?” Leonard asks, softly.

 

“It’s my fault,” Ray says, staring at his lap.

 

Leonard’s defenses go up, thinking Ray is in some sort of trouble. He wouldn’t be wrong.

 

“What’s your fault?” Leonard prods, voice calm and neutral.

 

“I’m -” Ray pauses, swallowing. He can’t bring himself to say it. Leonard is the only person he can trust with this, the only one who knows. That’s what they’ve been dorm buddies since day one.

 

Leonard was one hundred percent accepting of Ray being transgender, didn’t bat an eye. He even made sure Ray knew that if anyone gave him shit for it, or dare touch him because of it, he’d come in swinging.

 

Leonard was the one who was adamant about Ray staying his roommate. He didn’t trust anyone else to live with Ray, and he certainly didn’t want Ray to be uncomfortable, trying to reintroduce himself to a new person.

 

That was probably when Ray started to fall, but he’d catch himself every now and then, convincing himself that, just because Leonard was over protective, he would not be interested in being with someone like Ray. He was more than happy with Leonard’s friendship. He’s so, _so_ grateful for Leonard’s disregard for gender rolls and the toxic prison they create.

 

Which is why he finally opens his mouth to speak.

 

“I forgot to take my shot in who knows how long,” he croaks. “I’ve been so busy, with finals and all the extra classes I’ve been taking. I’ve been so stressed, too, that probably didn’t help - oh god, I don’t have any - I -” he starts shaking again, breathing heavy from his chest.

 

“This is my punishment,” Ray finishes, weak and broken.

 

Leonard quickly gets up off the floor, and sits next to Ray. He slides his arm around Ray’s shoulder, about to ask if that’s okay, but Ray leans into him. Taking his cues from the other man, Leonard pulls him closer.

 

“Did it happen just now?” Leonard asks, not needing any more information. He’s lived with Ray long enough to know the consequences of missing your hormone treatment.

 

Ray nods against Leonard’s shoulder.

 

“It’s my own fault,” Ray whimpers. “I did this to myself, and now my body is punishing me for it.”

 

“Shhh,” Leonard coos. “You’re not being punished, you didn’t do anything wrong.” He moves his hand to Ray’s neck and up into his hair.

 

Ray makes a small noise in the back of his head and scoots closer, fitting himself against Leonard’s side. They stay like that for a moment, Leonard running his fingers through Ray’s hair, and Ray sniffling against Leonard’s shoulder, letting a few tears fall here and there onto the fabric of Leonard’s shirt.

 

Leonard makes a sudden realization.

 

“Shit,” he says, startling Ray slightly. “Sorry, but you need stuff, don’t you?”

 

Ray presses his face into the Leonard’s shoulder, and nods. He can feel the heat rise to his face, feeling absolutely mortified. He wants nothing more than to disappear.

 

“Okay, I can call Sara, she can bring -”

 

“No!” Ray says, strangled and scared. “You can’t, I don’t want her to know. _Please_.”

 

“Hey, it’s okay,” Leonard says, soothingly. “I won’t.”

 

They’re a few seconds of silence, before Leonard is detaching himself from Ray. He whimpers at the lose, but Leonard quickly reassures him.

 

“I’m gonna go get you some supplies,” Leonard offers as an explanation.

 

Ray’s eyes widen, as he looks up at Leonard, like he can’t believe what he’s hearing.

 

“You - what?” Ray asks, frantic. “No, Leonard, you don’t -”

 

“I do, because that’s what friends do,” Leonard says, reaching for his keys in his pocket. “They look out for each other. I made you a promise, Raymond, and I always keep my promise.”

 

Tears fill Ray’s eyes once more, still extremely embarrassed, and he’s starting to wonder how much he can cry in one sitting. He gasps out another sob, and he feels Leonard’s hand on his shoulder.

 

“I’ll be right back, okay?” Leonard says, gently. Ray grabs his hand before Leonard can move it.

 

“Thank you,” he whispers.

 

Leonard gives his a small smile, reassures him he will be right back, and is out the door.

 

Ray stays in his exact position for the entire twenty minutes Leonard is gone. He hears the lock turn on the door, a jingle of keys, and Leonard calling out.

 

“I’m back,” he says, dropping one of the plastic bags he’s carrying on their couch. He grabs the other and walks to Ray’s room.

 

“Here,” Leonard says, handing the bag to Ray.

 

Ray grabs it, but doesn’t look in it. He doesn’t want to. He knows what’s in there, and he wants to throw the bag against the wall, light it on fire, strap it to a rocket and send it to the center of the goddamn sun. Anything, but open the packages and _use_ them.

 

“Raymond,” Leonard says, coming to kneel in front of him again. “Can you look at me?”

 

Ray does, finding Leonard’s kind eyes with his. He’s only ever seen Leonard like this in the privacy of their own home; gentle and soft. It’s still jarring, considering Leonard doesn’t really do touchy feely. Ray is honored, really, that Leonard allows him to walk past his walls so easily.

 

“I’m gonna be just outside, on the couch,” Leonard says, “I want you to come join me, if you feel up to it, okay?” Ray nods. “I’ll leave you to it then, call if you need me.” And then Leonard is out of the room.

 

Ray takes a deep breath, manages to pick out some fresh clothes, and walks back to the bathroom, clutching the plastic bag to his chest.

 

He does what needs to be done, feeling sick the entire time. He cleans up, washes his hands and splashes water on his face. His eyes are red and swollen, but he doesn’t think he can cry anymore.

 

He walks out into the living room and sees Leonard sitting on the couch, pillows and a couple of throws spread out over it, Netflix on the television.

 

“How you doing?” Leonard asks, sitting up straight.

 

Ray just shrugs and walks closer.

 

“What’s this?” Ray asks, nodding at the sofa.

 

“I just thought you’d want to relax,” Leonard offers. “If you want to be alone, I understand -”

 

“No,” Ray says quickly. “No, I - I want to be out here.” _With you_ , he finishes in his head.

 

Leonard leans back into the corner of the couch, body open to Ray, inviting him to come closer if he wants. Ray sits himself down on the sofa, gingerly, wincing as his rear makes contact with the cushions. He ends up scooting closer to Leonard, but stops.

 

“It’s okay,” Leonard says, sensing Ray’s hesitation.

 

Ray closes the gap and nestles into Leonard’s side. Leonard bring his arm down, wrapping it around Ray’s shoulder, pulling him in until Ray’s head in resting in his chest. Ray slides his arm around Leonard’s soft middle, and clings.

 

“Can we watch Star Wars?” Ray asks, softly against Leonard’s shirt.

 

“Yeah, Raymond, whatever you want,” Leonard says.

 

He starts the movie, and pulls one of the throws over Ray’s body. Ray cuddles closer, heaving out a sigh. He shifts, feeling gross and out of place, and he lets out a small noise.

 

“It’s okay, it’ll be over before you know it,” Leonard says, rubbing his hand up and down Ray’s arm. “I can’t imagine how hard this is for you, Raymond. I’m so sorry.”

 

“S’not your fault,” Ray mumbles.

 

“It’s not yours either,” Leonard says.

 

Ray just tightens his hold on Leonard and Leonard reciprocates.

 

“What do you need?” Leonard asks.

 

Ray shuts his eyes, forgetting about the movie playing in the background, instead focusing on Leonard’s breathing, on his heart beating underneath his ear.

 

“Just… stay,” Ray pleads.

 

“I’m not going anywhere,” Leonard replies.

 

And he doesn’t.

**Author's Note:**

> Well, there you have it. This is very nerve wracking to put out there, but I think I need to move forward, through that fear. I know it's a sensitive subject, but as transgender man, it's something I think I should talk about. Currently, I am in Ray's position, and it's horrible. The worst. I am having the hardest time. TMI? Maybe, but also, deal with it. I have to. I'm not going to apologize for this.
> 
> Is this OOC? Maybe. It's hard to distinguish voices when you're pouring your heart out.
> 
> I'd like to thank the coldatomies, the best friends I could ask for, for supporting me in this very... awful time.  
> I love y'all from the bottom of my heart. 
> 
> If you liked this, I'd appreciate some comments. I want to hear your thoughts.
> 
> If you didn't enjoy this, if you hated it, you don't have to open your mouth about it. It's personal. It's scary.
> 
> If it sounds like I'm being picky and whiney about it.... well, I am. I get to be that way when my insides are doing what I've specifically asked them not to do.
> 
> as always, you can find me over @ [bottomraypalmer](https://bottomraypalmer.tumblr.com)
> 
> Thank you for taking the time to read this. <3


End file.
